


It’s Always Dreary In The Courtroom

by BelladonnaFella



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Bisexual Realization, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Substance Abuse, Racist Language, Slow Burn, Trans Charlie Kelly, Trans Male Character, awkward pining, mentions of csa, mutual crushing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:02:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelladonnaFella/pseuds/BelladonnaFella
Summary: When Frank hears Charlie sleep talk in the middle of the night, a terrible revelation is made about the boy’s past. This leads to Philadelphia’s favorite Jewish Lawyer to reluctantly come in for the rescue.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/The Lawyer (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	1. Asking for Help

As Charlie waited in the Lawyer’s office with Dee, he knew that this wouldn’t end well. 

  
This all started the night before, when he was sleeping in his apartment. Frank had been awoken by the sound of Charlie’s voice, who was loudly sleep talking and wiggling around. Charlie had always moved sporadically while sleeping, but something about his tone of voice and facial expression made was off. Frank figured he’d listen to what his friend and probable, biological son was all stirred up about. The look on this boy’s face was in absolute horror as he was drenched in a cold sweat. He continued as he talked about his childhood. He talked about being made to eat dirt and smacking rats. To Frank, this seemed to be a normal Charlie dream. But this didn’t last as he began to become more distressed. He started talking about his uncle, and, to make a long story short, Charlie ended up revealing some very worrying things about his uncle to Frank. 

  
When the morning came, Frank had cornered Charlie into the bathroom to discuss what he was talking about. This turned out to be harder than he thought it’d be, as Charlie used his shrill voice as a way of blocking out any uncomfortable point of discussion Frank could come up with. This came to a grinding halt when Frank had taken his gun out and pretended as though he’d actually use it. Frank may have an affinity for shooting guns, but he knew that this was just prop to get Charlie to talk. So Charlie came clean about everything. His uncle’s weird obsession with him, how he’d always get extremely close to him, and then, the countless inappropriate incidents that came after. Frank sat with Charlie for a while after talking, because he knew it wasn’t a great moment to leave. Sure, Frank couldn’t be considered a great father. In fact, he could be considered on of the worst, but even he knew that this was a terribly hard thing for Charlie to have to endure and stay silent about. So he laid a hand on Charlie’s back and waited til he was composed enough to get ready for work. 

When the two had headed to the bar, Frank immediately knew he couldn’t keep this to himself. But he also knew that everyone in the gang would probably freak out as much as him. So he decided to tell Dee, who he viewed as the one who would be the most responsible about reacting to this. Dennis would probably make it about himself, and last time Mac found out about someone being molested, he got jealous because it wasn’t him. Sure, she had a tendency to go off the deep end sometimes, but she was his best option. So he asked to talk to her in the back of the bar.

“Frank, what is this about? I need to get a costumer a drink.” Dee sighed. 

“When have you ever cared about people in the bar?”  
  


“Good point, so what is it? I’d rather not be back here talking to you of all people.” She seemed extremely tired, which made Frank worry about what her face would turn into when she heard about what’s going on with Charlie.   
  


“It’s about Charlie, he told me something this morning and it’s terrible!”

”Did he tell you about how he was skipping out on some of his Charlie work, because I’ve been seeing so many rats aro-“ She meant to keep going but was interrupted by Franks mad voice.

”Just listen to me and stop bitching for a second!” This seemed to have gotten the point across. “It’s about his uncle, he’s an absolute monster!” Frank started moving with a lot of anger for such a little man 

”The guy with the weird obsession with his hands?”

”Yeah, that bitch is disgusting! Charlie told me that he diddled him when he was a kid!” Dee’s face went from extreme boredom to confused horror. While her and Charlie had never been the best of friends, she would never have wanted something like this to happen to him. In her eyes, he’s the least deserving of this kind of thing. It sure did explain a lot though.   
  


“Jesus Frank, we’ve got to do something about this creep! I’ve always known he was the worst! He’s even got the pedo mustache!” She then got an idea. “We should sue his sorry ass. I’d love to see that fucker in prison!” While she’d love to say that this thought came out of pure anger for her friend, the thought of the money that could be awarded did also play a role.

”Deandra, I love your enthusiasm, but I think we’re ignoring a major problem.” He pauses to look at her as she stopped in her tracks and listened. “His Uncle Jack was the only lawyer we could afford. Or at least the only lawyer he could afford, because I’m not going to be sinking a fortune in this.” He may love Charlie, but the idea of throwing a bunch of his money into a long process like this did become somewhat scary to him. He didn’t want to spend months helping out an uncomfortable molestation case AND pay a fortune.   
  


“I’m not gonna lie Frank, as awful as that sounds, you’ve got a point there.” They both sat there until Dee seemed to think of something. “What about that one lawyer guy we know? We talked to him about Charlie’s Kitten Mittens, and he’s pretty much obsessed with us at this point.” Frank recoiled once she gave her suggestion. 

“That shister is awful! He stole our Kitten Mitten trade mark, we can’t trust him with something this serious! Plus, I remember his prices being way higher than I’m willing to go.”

”Frank, we don’t have much of a choice here. He’s the only guy who has dealt with us before, and I’m sure he’s be willing.” She said, even though she knew that her thoughts were probably screwed. “And if we’re going to get mad about prices, why don’t we consider how terrible that McPoyle case went? He somehow lost to Charlie. That’s like impossible. By that depressing performance, his prices probably dropped way low. He’ll take any case he can get after that.” She stared at him for a long moment, until Frank gave up.   
  


“Fine, but I’m not gonna meet with that asshole. You better be right about this.”

”Goddamnit Frank, stop being such a baby! I’ll take Charlie to meet with that man, but you better be there for the trial!”  
  


So after a lot of yelling and fighting, Dee and Charlie ended up waiting in this stuffy room.   
  


“I still don’t understand why we have to do this, I feel _fine_ now.” Charlie whined as they waited.   
  


“Charlie, you definitely aren’t fine now. You’re pretty much the opposite fine. Plus, that weirdo might touch other kids. This isn’t going to be too hard, I’m sure the lawyer will be happy to work with us.”

”If you say so.” Charlie said as he began to fidget in his chair. He still didn’t get why he was doing this. His uncle appeared to be getting way older, so he didn’t figure he’d keep doing weird shit. Then again, he didn’t really expect his uncle to do that when he was younger anyway. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening.   
  


“Who let you two into my office?” The lawyer questioned as he walked over to them. He seemed beyond annoyed as the two looked over.   
  


“We’ve got a favor for you, since you really like helping us.” Dee said with as sweet of a voice she could pretend to have.   
  


“Do you two not remember the restraining order I happily signed that banned you from coming near me?” To be totally honest, they both _did_ forget about that part. To be fair, the two did share a good amount of restraining orders between them.   
  


“No need to get mad right now, we’re just here for a chat.” She said as she put a hand on her hip, while her face stayed in a fake smile. “Can’t we just talk with each other like adults?

”The last time I tried that with you people I almost lost an eye.” He mentioned as his hand pointed to his pupil. “So, unless you have an actual reason, I’m going to have to get police involved.”

“Wait! Don’t you dare, we’ve got a real reason this time.” She pleads. The smile leaves her face as she raises her finger. “To be honest, you are probably one of the only lawyers we could get for this serious of an issue. This isn’t about dumb shit like Kitten Mittens. We need someone to help us and I feel like you’d be the only one to actually get shit done.” 

  
“I still am a little made about those Kitten Mittens though.” Charlie chimed in, causing the Lawyer to remember his presence. He noticed how uncomfortable Charlie had been as he squirmed around in his chair. It was odd to say the least, as these people were always somewhat smug with their problems. 

”How serious of an issue can you people have? Did you commit more crimes? Because if so I’m not interested.”

”Jesus man, how badly do you think of us? Because we didn’t commit any new crimes.” She have him an indescribable look, which made him think of what they could have done. Sure, he really logged these people, but he wondered what circumstances could bring these people here. Dee shared a quick look at Charlie and took a deep breath. “Charlie had an, um, _inappropriate_ incident with his uncle when he was younger, and we’re here to see if we can get this guy back.”

A rush of strange emotions hit the Lawyer like a truck. This was definitely not the usual situation he came to expect with these people. The reason the gang usually came by was to either ruin someone’s life or make money. Charlie had always seemed to be the most interesting of the bunch in his eyes already, and he was the only member of the gang that the Lawyer thought was a genuine person. While that isn’t a compliment when you consider how annoying and egotistical Charlie could be, he was still better than his disgusting friends. So hearing such a story be about Charlie gave the lawyer a strange ambition to take on this case. Especially since he was sitting right in front of the lawyer, awkwardly tapping his fingers on the chair as his childhood trauma was talked about. He face was a bright shade of maroon, and his eyes bolted from all places. To put it simply, he looked horrified. The Lawyer took a breath, and said what appeared to be the worst mistake he could possibly make.   
  


“Fine, I’ll take this case, but you guys better not make me regret it.”

”Wait, seriously?” She said as they both gave the lawyer a questionable stare. “See Charlie, he wasn’t going to keep being an asshole about it.”

”I’m already starting to regret this.”  
  


“Believe me, this will be the best experience of your life.” She seemed satisfied with that answer and leaned back in her chair.   
  


The lawyer turned his head to Charlie and shared an awkward glance.   
  


‘ _God’_ the lawyer thought. ‘ _This is going to be terrible.’_

“We’re going to have to change some things around here.”


	2. Evaluating the situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee and Charlie get back to the gang and end up avoiding their problems. They all evaluate what this situation will do to them.  
> {TW: some anti-Semitic language and mentions of abuse}

Once Charlie got back into Dee’s car, the weight of the situation finally dawned on him. ‘This case is going to blow up in my face!’ He thought. ‘Everyone is going to laugh at me man! Dee is probably just getting this case of the ground so she can show it to the gang and laugh with them.’ He continued with these convoluted thoughts as much as he could, because deep down, he knew that blaming his friends would give him somewhere to put his anger.

Dee hadn’t talked since they left the Lawyer’s office. She just drove back to the bar while thinking of what they had previously discussed. The Lawyer had been frank with how he expected both of them to act while he represented them in this case. He required that they treat him with respect, which caused Dee to roll her eyes. He also told them to not call or talk to him out of the blue without there being a case-related issue they needed to notify him about. This was understandable, as Dee knew that Charlie would ramble on about the dumbest things just because he could. But then, the Lawyer gives them an extremely controversial request: ease up on the substance abuse. Both Charlie and Dee gave a myriad of protests to this, but at that point, the Lawyer had already stood from his chair and directed their attention to the door.

It had been a long silence in Dee’s car, and it was completely terrible. While Charlie’s moronic chit-chat had always been a cause of headaches, it acted as somewhat of a distraction from any problem she had. She knew that he desperately needed that same kind of distraction right now. She also knew that she’d never be able to give a distraction that wasn’t either violent or absolutely cruel. So she kept her bird mouth shut.

***

The Lawyer couldn’t give himself any valid reasons for why he agreed to helping with Charlie’s situation. Every event where he was involved with the grubby man had resulted in some terrible inconvenience. Maybe inconvenience was a bit understated considering he’d suffered from a broken cornea after Charlie indirectly caused a bird to attack him. He had hoped that after that incident, they would realize that he absolutely despised them. This obviously didn’t end up happening, as he stuck in his office contemplating if he can just opt out now.

He wishes that Dee has asked him about this alone, because he knew that it would be easy to tell her off. She had always projected this smug confidence when demanding anything, he knew that it would be a joy to deny her. He figured it’d be the same with her and Charlie, but something was extremely off. Charlie just decided to stay quiet and think, which were definitely two things the Lawyer had never seen him do before. The silence from Charlie lingered on as Dee disclosed why they needed a lawyer. Charlie’s eyes had stayed pointed at the floor as his frown deepened.

He knew that it was utterly moronic that he agreed to help because Charlie made an upset face. Considering what this bizarre man has put him through, the Lawyer should have kicked both of them back into their shitty bar. To be fair, the Lawyer was not what you’d call an “understanding” person. After years of representing all kinds of criminals, it’s not that easy to be too sympathetic. So it puzzles him that he’d even think about representing that lunatic.

Maybe it had to do with the Lawyer having talked to both parties in the past. It makes sense that a prior involvement may have intrigued him. While he had only met Jack Kelly a total of two times, it wasn’t too outlandish to believe the allegations being mad against him. Sure, Charlie was a delirious and unhinged man, so trusting anything involving him would always be challenging. But the Lawyer had remembered feeling an uncomfortable tension whenever Jack had been around his nephew. Both while dealing with Dennis’ divorce and when defending Bill Ponderosa, Jack radiated an excessively unpleasant vibe to everyone around him.

The Lawyer had always wanted to tackle these types of cases. It felt like an honorable cause to try and help those who have been abused, but the only cases that have been given to him had to do with weirdos and criminals. It’s refreshing to be offered a situation that was virtuous to take on, even if the people he’d be representing weren’t exactly saints.

***

As Dee and Charlie walked into Paddy’s, Dee noticed an odd shift in Charlie’s emotions. A goofy energy seemed to bleed back into his body as he walked up to the bar. Dennis and Mac had been sitting there, loudly arguing about some stupid robot movie they had seen.

“Dude, I just don’t get why they’d put tits on a robot. What purpose does that have?” Mac argued as he stared confusedly at Dennis. “I’d get if they like shot something out of them, but they’re literally just there.”

“Mac, I don’t think you realize how distracting the intricacies of the female form can be for the average man.” Dennis rambles as though he knew what he was talking about. “The other robots probably saw a nice, metal rack and didn’t expect any sort of fighting to happen. Plus, I don’t know any reason why the audience wouldn’t want to see tits.” They were about to continue on with their useless babble until they noticed Charlie sitting down.

“Charlie, what do you think? Do you like the giant robots with or without ti-?”

“Where the hell have you two been?” Dennis asked. “It’s like 10:50! The day is almost over already. We tried to ask Frank, but he dodged all my questions by saying you were in the sewer and that Dee had a heart attack. You always brag about when you waste your time ghoul hunting, so it didn’t seem realistic. I don’t really care about whatever happened to you Dee, but it obviously wasn’t true since you are right here. You two better not be planning some sort of dumb scheme shit, because I can’t deal with that today.”

“Of course I was in the sewers, where else would I be?” Charlie replies as he begins to sweat. He knew that his voice was raising way too quick, which may have been an indicator of his truthfulness. “The ghouls aren’t gonna catch themselves.”

“Yeah, it’s not totally unbelievable that Charlie would be doing weird shit all day.” Dee gave them an awkward smile and tried to use her phony acting classes to shorten this conversation. “I also definitely had a heart attack. That’s pretty normal for ol’ Dee.” She shared a quick glance at Charlie before they both were giving strange grins.

“Then why did you two come in at the same time?” Dee could always count on her egotistical brother to poke holes in her lies. They all stayed silent for a couple of seconds before Charlie decided he had an idea.

“Well, Dee found me walking out of the sewer on her way back here. Her heart attack healed so fast that she was going home already, and she passed by me. I was putting my clothes back on, since the best way to find ghouls is when you’re in the sewers and also naked. We were going the same way so she let me in.” While the excuse was dumb enough to believe, it was a little suspect since Charlie was pretty much drenched in sweat at this point.

“Fine, whatever, I guess that makes some sense.” Dennis seemed content with their dumb story, but made sure he made himself clear. “But you guys better not fuck us over with an absurd ploy you thought of. Also, someone got bitten by a rat in the bathroom, so you better get on that Charlie.” Maybe it was because he lost interest, or maybe he just didn’t care, but Dennis walked into the back office after sharing that. That left Mac with Dee and Charlie. He then looked around to see if anyone was watching them, even though no one was ever at their bar. Mac scooted over to the two and ducked his head closer to theirs’.

“So, what’s your guys’ plan?”

“Mac, we already told you that there is no plan. Me and Charlie have been dicking around all day.” She rolled her eyes as Mac’s face stayed in the same bewildered expression. He then gave them a smirk.

“Oh, I get it. I totally get it.” He nodded to himself. “Yeah, there definitely isn’t a plan. Definitely. I don’t know any plan.” He then gave them both a wink.

“Mac, I still don’t think you get it”

“No bro, I totally get it.” He then stood up from his chair and began to walk away. “Whenever you two want to tell me about the definitely not real plan, I’ll always be open to hear about it. Believe me, I’ll be useful if you ever have a plan, which you don’t.” He proceeded to do karate moves into the bathroom.

“Damn, sometimes he acts even dumber than you.” Dee muttered. Her and Charlie were finally left alone.

“Dee, I think we both know that I’m very smarterer.” He said while he went behind the bar to grab a beer.

“I’m not even going to approach that.” She snarled.

“You don’t have to, because I know how smart I am.” He whipped his head back as he started to chug his drink. Similar to what happened in the car, a stand-off of silence started back up. They both stared awkwardly at their hands, thinking the other had something to say.

“So…” Dee began as her face contorted into a strange mix of sympathy and a cringe. “Sorry about all that. Like, you know… the uncle shit. Must’ve sucked.”

“Wow, how would you have guessed?” Charlie retorted. He made a coy, half-smile, then continued to work on his drink.

She was about to continue the conversation until she heard the door open. Frank ended up racing through the entrance as though he was part of a high-speed chase. The two adults could only guess what Frank had been doing as he lept over to them.

“How was it?” He questioned.

“How was what, Frank?”

“You already know what I’m talking about, you bitch.” He answered bluntly. “How did that Jew lawyer react to you two? He got mad, didn’t he? God, I’d love to have seen that smarmy bitch get pissed off, but I don’t want to be anywhere near him!”

“To be honest, he didn’t seem too upset.” Charlie explained. “Like, he was definitely not happy. But he wasn’t super mad either. He just seemed like he was over us, which doesn’t make sense at all! Sure, he got a scratched eye, but it’s not like we didn’t suffer in that case either!”

“Charlie, how exactly did you suffer during that case?” Dee asked. “From what I remember, you had a great day of showing off all your ludicrous bird law.”

“First of all, bird law is the most important knowledge I have, Dee. Second of all, I had to deal with everyone’s incompetence during the case. It’s like you’ve never dealt with bird-related poison cases. It was like being with a bunch of children!”

“Charlie, you out of all people shouldn’t be calling others children. You can’t even spell your own name!” She rebutted.

“I think we’re ignoring something pretty important here.” Frank injected before the fighting went farther. They both put their attention towards him. “So, is that bozo representing your case or what?”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that.” Charlie said as he scratched the side of his face. “He said he’d do it, but we’ve got to be way better than we were before. So you can’t go around yelling at him because he’s Jewish. I also have to stop drinking, so I’m convinced that this guy is absolutely insane.”

“Jesus Charlie, that sounds terrible. Maybe we can find another lawyer or someone that isn’t a complete wack job to do it.”

“Frank, weren’t you the one that told me that there weren’t any other lawyers we could find?” Dee asked.

“Well, that was before I realized the awful torture he’d put Charlie through. What kind of vanilla pussy wants to be sober all the time? Especially during such an awkward case.” Frank replied as he took out his phone to find cheap lawyers around Philadelphia. Frank may have been rich, but he’d never skip out in a deal.

“No Frank, I think this might be a good choice.” Charlie insisted. “This dude might have some weird rules about booze and shit, but he seems to be a pretty good lawyer. He’s the only dude that’s almost as amazing at lawyering than me.”

“Charlie, I don’t trust him one bit.” Frank shook his head. “But I guess I’m not gonna try and stop you. If this backfired and he jews you out of your money, don’t bother complaining to me. Then maybe you’ll listen to what I’ve got to say.”

“Frank, I listen to you all the time. Maybe not well, but I still try.”

“Sure, keep telling yourself that” Frank jeered. “We better get going though, Charlie. We’ve all had a slow day. Why don’t you get your Charlie work done, and then we can get home and play some nightcrawlers.” Charlie’s face perked up as he stood from his chair.

“Of course dude, This won’t take too long!” He said as he ran to grab his bat. Frank’s eyes lingered on him until he dashed into the bathroom. He gave out a long sigh, then remembered how Dee was situated right next to him, staring.

“What are you looking at?” He blurted.

“I’m just surprised. I didn’t think you had a caring bone in your body.” She clarified coldly. “But I guess that’s what he needs right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the newest chapter! I started this mostly because I knew I was the only one who really wanted it, but I’m glad that I’ve gotten so many reads! I tried to fix any problems that the first chapter may have created, continuity wise, so I hope it turned out good!:)


	3. The Many Coping Methods Of Charlie Kelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into how Charlie deals with his past, and why he does the things he does.  
> {TW: direct mentions to substance abuse and memories of CSA}

_Silence had surrounded him as he lay in his bed. While it felt like midnight, the room was illuminated by the light of the slightly-open window. He appeared terribly small and started to feel gusts of wind go through his grungy hair. The iciness had remained a sitting presence to him, so the boy had decided to rise from his bed to lift the window further away._

_Just then, he heard the crack of a door. Before the boy could even get near the window, it had blown completely shut. All the light that had previously been dancing around him has vanished, causing him to look to the source of the sound. At the head of the door, a shadowy figure stood. It hadn’t had a face nor any features besides its dark glow. The figure walked towards him, hands reaching out. It had made sounds that couldn’t be comprehended, just ear-piercing roars. As the boy backed up into his bed, the figure had swiftly grabbed his arm. The shadows had engulfed him. He felt sharp pains within his legs, and screams had tried to sop out. Before any could escape, a hand had been clawed over his mouth. There was no way he could get out of this, so the boy had let himself dissociate entirely. He was lost._

Charlie’s torso shot up as his heart pulsed profusely. He started to search for where he was, when his eyes decided to stop on Frank's toad body. Charlie let out a soft exhale, then laid his head into his hands. A warm wetness had been leaking out of his blotchy eyes. It became apparent that his eyes had been pouring for a decent amount of time, as his pillow was drenched. He was surprised that he hadn’t woken Frank up again, but a sense of relief had also come. The thought of waking his roommate up becoming a normal occurrence wasn’t exactly appealing.

While this hadn’t been the first time he had these types of nightmares, he still wasn’t totally used to how they had morphed as time went on. As a child, these nightmares would be brief manifestations of weird monsters that hadn’t really done much. But as memories of his trauma had slowly bubbled back into his mind, the visions would begin contorting into madness. The dreams would start to appear frequently throughout his days, and they would draw out longer than he could have ever imagined. These scenes of terror would begin to mold into bloodcurdling figures that he could recognize from miles away. Soon the puzzle pieces of memorabilia would stream together into an idea that Charlie could never accept in a healthy or effective way.

He glanced around at the clock, just to notice it was only 3:00 am. There was a whole day ahead of him, and he knew from experience that sleep wouldn’t come fast. The only answer Charlie could think to a fix problem like this was booze. Or paint. Or glue. Or literally any sort of escape substance he could find. But there was only one problem with this seemingly genius solution: he had sworn to stay sober.

“ _Shit_!” He whisper-shouted as he realized. Why was he worrying so much about this? He didn’t even want this dumbass court case to happen. It’s not like he would be too out of sorts, since the only times the Lawyer had dealt with him were times where he was somewhat high. Plus, he already did cheat on this new sobriety, as he drank when he got back to the bar. He could probably huff _just_ the right amount if he was careful.

So that’s exactly what he did. He wandered around the apartment until he stumbled onto a 6-pack that was laying on top of the tv. Quietly, he carried it with him to a drawer, which happened to hold all kinds of dangerous chemicals. One by one, he opened and inhaled a myriad of substances directly into nostrils. Light-headedness began to take hold of him, dictating every action he continued to do. With every snort and gulp, his brain felt waves of both euphoria and pain. There was only one ingredient missing in this disgusting sleep-cocktail, and that was cat food. Sure, he was already close to passing out, but the introduction of the feline treat would always make sure he got knocked out.

He found an unopened can right by a dirty shirt, practically calling his name. The tab was swiftly tacked off and the lid was thrown across the room. He didn’t even bother getting any sort of spoon, as dumping it straight into his mouth was just as easy. It was gritty and extremely unappetizing, but he was way too gone to even notice.

The last thing to go through his mind was the face of an extremely enraged lawyer. His brows were furrowed into a V shape and nose pointed far down. This gave Charlie a slight smile.  
  
‘ _That motherfucker is going to be pissed_.’ He cheekily thought as he fell face first into his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the shorter chapter was ok, because I thought that this would be better as just a solo Charlie chapter. I’m hope y’all liked it.


	4. Deflection from Both Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rough night, Charlie has to go back to the Lawyer’s office to talk about things he’d rather leave alone.   
> {TW: mentions of substance abuse and overdosing}

As morning passed by and was soon overtaken by the afternoon, Charlie stayed in his bed. He had heard his phone buzz multiple times, but his body stayed in a still state, completely numb. His eyes were slightly open and completely glassy. Despite how it might appear, he was still alive. It felt as though he was surrounded by a heavy amount of tv static.

With himself becoming more and more distracted, he may have been a little startled when he noticed Dee screaming his name.

“Charlie!” She screeched. “I swear, you better not be dead. I’m not doing all this shit for you just so you can die.”

“Why are you in my house?” He croaked. His voice seemed hoarse but still retained its usual loudness.

“Jesus, did you not see what I texted you? I told you to get ready two hours ago.” Maybe he should have checked his phone beforehand.  
  
He moved his arm over to the device and turned it towards him, revealing several messages from both Dee and the Lawyer.

The Lawyer’s message was brief and professional: _‘I would like you to come to my office today so we can talk about certain specifics of your case. Come around 12:30.”_ This was sent around 7 am.

Dee’s messages could not be described the same way: ‘ _Did u get that dude’s txts? He told me 2 tell u since ur not responding.’ ‘U better talk 2 that bitch, he’s gettin pissy bout u not seeing his txts.’ ‘Wyd? Srsly, wyd? Cuz ur taking soo long 2 txt him.’ ‘Check ur phone bitch!!’ ‘Look, idk wyd rn, but Imma make a deal. I’ll pick u up @12 and we can go.’ ‘U better read these u dyslexic fuck.’ ‘If u aren’t gettin ready, imma b so pissed.’ ‘U better txt back u god damn asshole.’ ‘I’m coming over rn so u better be up.’_ These texts were all sent from 7:30-11:50 am.

“Christ Dee, you sent me like a million texts.”

“Oh, I wonder why!” She exclaimed. “I don’t even know why I bother to help you out. You always end up just sleeping while I get shit done. Why are you laying like that anyway? You look like you got shot.”  
  


“I needed a good nap after yesterday.” Insisted Charlie. “It was a long ass day.”

“That doesn’t excuse you being Helen Keller and not noticing my texts!” She then motioned to the floor. “This place is absolutely disgusting Charlie. You two have got to clean around here. This room probably has like eighty diseases just waiting to infest you.”

“Trust me Dee, this place is an absolute paradise. I can lay back and never have to worry about any sort of unnecessary thing like ‘cleaning’ or ‘hygiene.’” Charlie claimed as Dee’s nose scrunched. “And if there were diseases here, I probably gave them to everyone at the bar by now.”

“God, don’t you dare say that! I don’t even want to think of that.” She gave a tiny shudder as she sighed. “Anyway, how did you do with the staying sober thing? That shit is difficult, it had me drinking soda like an absolute pussy.” Charlie’s eyebrows flew up as he looked away. He knew what he was doing yesterday when he decided to get as high as possible, but regret lingered as he tried to think of any reasonable thing to say.

“Uhhh, it was… good. Yeah, real good, definitely. I’m feeling really great about the whole thing.” Charlie gave her a big, toothy smile as his head rapidly nodded.

“God damnit, you caved in, didn’t you?” She questioned as she pointed her boney finger in his direction. He’ll never admit it, but she was terrifying when she wanted information.

“Alright, yeah, I may have gone a little wild. But this whole ‘being sober’ thing is fucked anyway. And I doubt that you stayed sober.” She gave out a loud, fake gasp.

“Well, I’ve got standards dickwad. Of course I’d stay sober.” They looked at each other for a second. Dee’s lips were puckered in, as if there was a frog in her mouth that she couldn’t let out. “Ok, I may have been planning on getting drunk this afternoon, but I’m not the one that he has to like.”  
  


“You absolute bitch!” Charlie stood up, using his whole, tiny body to gesture how angry he was. “You’re planning on having fun with your drinks while you leave me to die out here.”

“You’re being way too dramatic Charlie.” She shook her head. “You’re not going to fucking die. And I think it’d be good for you to stop smelling like cat food and depression all the time.” He seems to have ignored that last part as he continued his arguing.

“But I’ve got to be high to be in the game. I’m always high and I always do great. You out of all people should know that.”

“I really don’t think I should, because you are an absolute train wreck with or without getting shitfaced. And you never win anything, you’re just too high to realize that you lost. But that’s not what matters, we’ve got to get this dumbass to trust you. I’m thinking that the only way he’ll do that is if you at least try to do his dumb requests.” She guessed. While this calmed Charlie a little bit, he still continued with his arguments.

“Well the least you could do is try and suffer with me. And where was all this energy when I was drinking at the bar yesterday?” He crossed his arms with a successful huff.

“Charlie, I’m already doing all the talking, so the least you could do is give me some booze. And as for your drinks at the bar, I thought you were having that as a send off. Like, one last hurrah before you go completely sober.” Sure, it was a dumb explanation, but for him, it made enough sense. “It also helps that we weren’t about to go to his office to meet with him, so it wasn’t exactly the first thing on my mind. But did you do anything else? Out of all your weird addictions, drinking probably is the least alarming.”

“Dee, you’ve got to understand. I can’t sleep without a little help. Don’t you want me to sleep? Are you saying you want me to get that weird don’t sleep disease?” He questioned.  
  


“Are you talking about Insomnia?” She stared at him as he blabbered random excuses for how he definitely did say insomnia. “Look, I don’t care you need it to sleep, maybe you should stop living with my dad then.”

“Nope, definitely not. I’m not getting out of this place. It’s like heaven. Sure, there are cats meowing around the windows, but who doesn’t like cats?” He explained. “And I don’t have to pay for any of this. I just get to lay around and do whatever. Sure, sometimes I have to eat cat food, but it’s honestly pretty good.”

“You’re so gross.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re fine with getting high and sleeping next to a goblin man just so you don’t have to pay for shit.”

  
“You’re just jealous that you don’t have an older man paying for your stuff.”

“Don’t you use that bullshit on me, he’s not some sort of sugar daddy. He’s a grumpy, old toad-man who likes to eat raw eggs and is probably your actual dad. He just happens to have money, but god, I’d rather be homeless than live with him.” She checked her watch, then started walking to the door. “But whatever, just go clean yourself up, you smell like shit. We’ve got to go in a couple minutes if you want to be there on time. Please try acting less ‘Charlie-e’ around the guy, we can’t afford him being weirded out.”  
  


***

“Oh god.” The lawyer muttered to himself as Dee and Charlie strutted in. They were only a couple minutes late, which definitely surprised him when he considered how terrible these people could be. He immediately noticed how familiar Charlie’s scrubby outfit had been, and realized that it had been the same clothing he had worn to most meetings with him. While he had already figured that the janitor wasn’t exactly made of money, it still irked him to think that this was the man’s sharpest look. But this thought was quickly subsided when they both sat down and gave him sickeningly sweet grins. He really didn’t want Dee to come to this meeting(or any others), but the only way that he could contact Charlie was if he convinced her to check on him. 

“Hey Mr. Lawyer man! How’ve you been doing?” She asked. Her eyes kept darting between both men, as though she was trying to telepathically talk to one of them. “Seems like forever since we’ve met up.”  
  


“Ms. Reynolds, it has been less than one day since I’ve last seen you two.”  
  


“And it felt like way longer than that.” Her voice seemed extremely high as she put her hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “But me and Charlie are so ready to absolutely do whatever you want. You wanna know why? Because we are committed.” Dee may act like she’s the only sane one in a group full of idiots, but the Lawyer could tell that she was just as moronic as any of the others. Plus, she was extremely bad at acting natural, as she kept looking over to Charlie and mindlessly tried to communicate with him. Charlie just continued to nod with zero confidence and a humongous amount of bewilderment.

“Well, if you are this committed, may I ask you for a favor?” The lawyer challenged. This caused the two pub employees to give each other side-glances. Dee’s face had stayed with her pseudo-happiness, while Charlie had already started to become visibly worried with whatever his mind had thought of. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I!” She chirped. “Again, like I said, I’m a pretty chill woman. I can do anything you ask.” Her face lit up as she finished her sentence with a large amount of certainty. The lawyer could tell that Dee thought very highly of herself in many situations, but this was just pathetic. 

“Could you wait in the lobby? Because I don’t think I can stand another moment of your babbling.” He stated bluntly. The smirk that had become so prevalent on her face had faltered as her eyebrow heavily furrowed. A bout of anger was practically begging to be let out, but she just pursed her lips and stood up.  
  


“Yeah, sure…. sure. Fine, whatever you say, Captain.” She grumbled as she opened the door. Since the Lawyer had hated dealing with Dee Reynolds, the idea that he could finally tell her off without her usual screaming was so satisfying. Even as she cursed under her breath while walking out, he knew that she’d never be able to say that to his face now.

Knowing that that woman couldn’t harass him at his work anymore made him give out a rare grin of his own. The pleasure on his face was quickly discarded when he remembered that Charlie was still in the room. 

  
“So what did you do?” The Lawyer questioned. 

“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything other than what you asked.” Charlie clarified as he tried his best to look regular. He seemed to be a worse liar than Dee. 

  
“Believe me Mr. Kelly, people who ‘didn’t do anything’ don't just avoid their phone all morning.” The Lawyer motioned to the door. “And your friend made it clear that you two were hiding something.” He watched as Charlie snapped his finger. 

  
“That _bitch_.” He mumbled.

“So I suggest you tell me what happened.” There was a long pause, until Charlie had decided to surrender.

“Ok, fine. I did do something, but I don’t think it’s that bad. I may have gotten a drink or two into my system, but that was it. I’ve got nothing else to hide.” He squirmed around in his chair as his voice raised to a screeching pitch. 

  
“I seriously doubt that she would do all that ‘acting’ for a couple drinks.” The Lawyer sassed. If he had to represent this man in court, he felt he had the right to be skeptical. 

  
“Alright, you got me!” Charlie sighed “I might‘ve inhaled some chemicals last night, but only so I could sleep. So that’s gotta mean that it’s not terrible, right?” The amount of ignorance that has been thrown out of Charlie’s mouth was enough to put the Lawyer into a coma. He wondered what kind of question he should use to approach such an odd situation. There were many questions he’d love to start with, like: _What do you mean by ‘chemicals?’ Why did you use it to sleep? Why don’t you just use a legal sleep pill? Is this why you didn’t respond to my text? How would the fact that it was used for sleep mean it’s just ok?_

“How many chemicals did you inhale?” This was the first question that fought out of the Lawyer’s lips, which caused Charlie to visibly start to think. He brought his hands out and started counting fingers until he blurted out the absolute worst answer he could’ve blurted.

“All?” Charlie seemed both confident and thoroughly confused with his own statement as the Lawyer stood there, gawking. “ I mean, not _all_. Like, a nice amount, but only the really good shit.” 

  
“Please, what could you possibly mean by ‘good shit?’ I don’t know why any form of inhalant could even be considered the good kind.” This dry response caused Charlie to give out an unwarranted scoff. 

  
“Dude, you don’t have to be so judge-y right now.” He insisted. While the Lawyer had tried to keep his anger to little spouts of sarcastic comments, this comment in particular had really tried to provoke him. Emphasize on try, because he knew that being outraged at Charlie would just make the dumb comments multiply quicker. 

“It’s a little hard not to judge you when you have to get high to fall asleep.” The lawyer reiterated. “But I can’t keep screaming at you, we have to talk about certain parts of your case. That’s the whole reason that you’re here in the first place. All I need to ask of you is that you try your best to avoid using…wait, which substances were you using? I don’t think you fully told me what they specifically were.” He may have been scared to learn what kind of digesting things Charlie Kelly had been up to, but it was essential that he knows what had been so enticing to the man. 

  
“Well, just the strong stuff like paint, glue, bleach, most cleaning products, cat food, but only the ones that taste like chicken, any pills, and beer. It doesn’t really affect me too much, and I’m pretty much invisible so it won’t matter.” Charlie clarified as he gave a small smile. It astonished the Lawyer to no end that Charlie seemed to think that his habits were completely healthy behavior. It also worried him in a small way, as the disheveled man had somehow convinced himself that he was some sort of immortal.

“You’re joking, aren’t you?” The Lawyer questioned. Judging by the awkward, fake laugh that Charlie gave out, the answer had made itself quite clear. “Mr. Kelly, you do realize how toxic that can be to your brain, don’t you? How did you even start doing that?” 

  
“Of course I know it’s toxic, the nontoxic shit tastes terrible. It does even get you high, so there’s no point. And I have no idea why I started, but it’s been a harmless part of my life.” Charlie’s overall demeanor began to falter as stated this. It was obvious that he wasn’t oblivious to the damage he was causing to himself, but he seemed like he didn’t have the gall to admit he was wrong. 

“Harmless? You’re giving yourself countless degrees of brain damage just to feed your own addictions. That doesn’t seem harmless.” 

  
“Hey man, I’m not addicted! I chose this, and I could choose not to if I wanted to.” His voice blared as his hand gestures became more expressive.

“Then why don’t you?” Asked the Lawyer. “If it’s so easy, then this better be the last time I hear about it.” It may have been unfair of him to assume Charlie can just ditch an addiction he’s had for around 25 years, but he knew that the best way to make the man do something was to give him a challenge. 

“Fine, I will then. And you’ll forget we even talked about it, because I’m that serious about how much I can avoid that shit!” While Charlie’s voice radiated a sense of certainty, his face had given off a subtle vibe of anxiousness. “I don’t even know why you’d doubt me on this Mr. Lawyer dude. I’m a pretty credible source.”  
  


“You’re right, why would I ever doubt someone as ‘ _credible_ ’ as a man who continually drinks paint and eats cat food. What a reasonable guy. I have no idea how anyone could think that yo-“

“Ok fine, I may do some things that aren’t exactly great, but I’m promising you right now that I won’t even touch paint. Or chemicals. Or anything that you think sucks, because I know that I’m definitely capable of it.” Interrupted Charlie. “You’ll never hear about paint and cat food in the same sentence again.” 

  
“I can only hope you’re correct.” The Lawyer said, content with where this specific conversation would end. “But we need to talk about your case.” 

  
The afternoon followed with the two discussing topics including scheduling dates, potential witnesses, and other specifics that didn’t need much explanation. While it was fun to see Charlie become confused when future payment came into question, most of their conversation stayed mundane. Charlie tried to stay as vague as he could with his description of certain events when asked, which led to the Lawyer having a better idea for how to deal with learning the story.

“I feel like there may be a better way for you to talk about this whole thing.” The Lawyer announced. “Why don’t I get you some sort of therapist for a short amount of time. It’d be easier on both of us if you talked to someone that was trained for that.” 

  
After he talked about this idea, regret already flowed through his mind. Financially, the Lawyer wasn’t doing amazing. He was in the middle of his second divorce and was busy trying to settle it as quickly as possible. Sure, he dealt with people’s problems here and there, but they weren’t solid enough cases to boost how people view him. Many just remember him for losing the McPoyle case and getting attacked by a bird, so it was somewhat hard to get a serious case again. He was hoping that Charlie’s case would be both easy and somewhat cheap, but it was never easy when it came to the intricacies of the weirdo. Getting a professional to evaluate a victim and go through their story was standard, so having someone talk to Charlie was the best option. 

  
He felt terrible for even thinking about money at a time like this, but it was hard to focus on how serious this was when he was so used to stupid cases being specifically about money. The Lawyer figured he needed a little therapy anyway, so there’s no real downside when he actually thinks about it.

  
“Nah man, I don’t need a therapist. I’ve gone to one of those before, and all they ended up doing was make me feel worse.” Charlie asserted. “And sure, I have tons of trauma, but I’m not traumatized or anything.” 

  
“I don’t care how traumatized you think you aren’t, and I don’t care how terrible you thought one therapist was. I just want to make sure I get your full story, and it’s obvious that you are not going to tell me.” The Lawyer leaned forward. “And I need to make sure I have enough information to make sure you win this case.” 

  
Charlie proceeded to open his mouth, looking for anything he could say to protest, but just ended up nodding. 

“Ok, I’ll go to that therapy shit again. But once you get your info, I’m out.” 

“That’s fair.” The Lawyer then stood up. “I think that’s about all we need to talk about for today. I’ll tell you if you need to come back again, and hopefully you respond next time.” Charlie jumped out of his chair and put a hand in the Lawyer’s desk. 

  
“Welp, I promised not to get high, so I’ll be responding before you even send the first text.” Charlie’s face showed layers of determination, but it was evident that this would be a challenge for him to keep up with. 

“I’d like to see you try.” Dares the Lawyer. While he meant it to come out malicious, it just ended up sounding oddly playful. Sure, he was in a professional setting, but Charlie wasn’t exactly the type of person that cares how professional anyone is. He just stayed oblivious and got ready to face the challenge head on.

“Well you won’t see me try. You’ll just see me win without any trouble.” Charlie’s stubbornness would always make sure that he talked big game. It was interesting to see a man who’s already lost in so many ways have these strange bouts of extreme confidence. Especially when it’s obvious that it’s going to take more than a promise for him fully get away from his addiction. 

  
“I’m sure I will.” The Lawyer added. He paused for a second as Charlie sauntered to the door. While the Lawyer still held a high level of animosity for the man, he was a client, and that meant he had to make sure that he didn’t accidentally kill himself. “And if you ever have an immense struggle with your absence of substances, which I’m sure you won’t by how you’re talking, you could call me if you really _need_ to. But I’m sure you’ve got it.” He might have become a Lawyer just to help people, but now that he’s only worked with criminals and flat out dicks, it’s somewhat hard for him to offer something as simple as a call without finding the need to sound awfully unenthused. His deadpan delivery didn’t stop Charlie from being visibly off-put by the show of sympathy. 

  
“Well, me and my ‘addictions’ aren’t related to this whole thing, and I thought you said I could only call for ‘case-related issues.’” Charlie said as he raised his fingers to make mocking quotations. The Lawyer knew he shouldn’t take this level of deflection too seriously when it comes to Charlie. The man was basically a walking deflection anyway, never owning up to anything that could hurt him. Either way, he had to show him one way or another how severe this was. 

  
“I don’t think that you’ve fully understood the weight of this situation yet. I shouldn’t even bother trying to imprison that monster-uncle of yours if you, the person I’m trying to help in the first place, dies of an overdose. So, yes, it is somewhat of a case-related issue.” They both had an odd look as Charlie stopped walking and turned his head. His expression was unreadable, showing mixes of every emotion possible. He probably would have said something had they not heard a pattern of heavy knocks on the exit. 

The door had flung open as a very tired looking Dee Reynolds walked in. The Lawyer may have forgotten that she had been sitting out there, doing nothing for around an hour.

“Are you boners almost done here? I’ve read through almost every magazine you have out there.” Her voice carried the same annoying temper that both of the men had been thoroughly used to. 

“You know, I have shit to do, and you better be glad I didn’t leave you here.” She claimed as she pointed at Charlie. 

“Yes, we were just getting done.” The Lawyer addressed. 

  
“Great, then let’s go Charlie.” She tugged at his arm and started walking. “So Dennis told me this plan to ge-“

She started as they rambled out of the room. Before leaving, Charlie turned his head and gave an awkward quick-wave. 

“See you later Mr. Lawyer man!” He hollered while the door closed behind him. 

  
The Lawyer stood there, starting to rethink everything that had just happened in the last hour. This didn’t last too long though, as he forced himself to start working on random chores like taxes and paperwork. He couldn’t let himself linger with his thoughts, because he knew he had work to do. Sure, reminders of how important this case was continued to pop into his mind, but he knew that he’d never get anywhere if he just thought of that the whole afternoon. 

  
So he just sat there, continuing to finish work and trying his best to act like the non caring person he’s built himself up to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a longer chapter to make up for how short the last one was. I apologize if there may be some inaccuracies as this series goes on, as I’m not going to continue watching the show for personal reasons. I hope you guys like this chapter:D


	5. A Friend’s Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac is extremely confused with Charlie’s behavior, so he decides to use his badass skills to try and learn what’s going on.

While he wasn’t the most intuitive person, Mac had to admit to himself that his friend seemed a little off. 

He first noticed it around a month ago. Mac had been avoiding his job in the bar when Charlie had walked in to start the day. The little man had appeared visibly shaken up and moved way more sporadic than he usually does. Sure, Charlie was always spunky, but there was something off about the amount of spunk. 

Mac remembers asking him why he was acting like a “stoned epilepsy patient.” This made Charlie go into a defensive fit, before he chugged a beer and ran into the bathroom with his bat. To be fair, Charlie has had his share of weird freak-outs throughout the years, so Mac just figured it was one of those days. 

This became a bad explanation though, as Charlie did the same thing for around a week. He’d just spastically come in and act like he was hiding some sort of major secret. He’d also make sure to spend as much time away from the gang as possible. The bathroom happened to be the place he’d stay, until someone needed to pee and he’d yell something about needing to clean the basement. 

He’d never say it out loud, but seeing his longtime best friend practically become a hermit was really worrying Mac. But these feelings were quickly forgotten as Mac and the rest of the gang would always be swept away into a convoluted plan. 

This chain had continued until one morning, when Charlie and Frank rushed into the bar. Charlie had looked completely mortified as he went to get himself a drink, while Frank had grabbed Dee and walked into the back. So Mac took it upon himself to check up on Charlie again. Dennis walked over to an attractive woman’s table to see if the Dennis System would continue work on unsuspecting victims, so Mac knew this was the perfect time to ask. 

“What’s going on now, man?” He interrogated. 

“Nothing!” He gave a nervous twitch as he took another swig of his beer. “Why do you keep thinking something is going on?”

“Have you looked at yourself?” Mac’s brows furrowed as his eyes swiped up and down to look at his friend. Charlie looked both absolutely tired but very paranoid. “Because you look like you've been dragged through hell.”

“I don’t know how you got that. I’ve had the best morning ever.” While Mac figured that Charlie probably didn’t know what sarcasm was, that sentence would’ve been the closest thing to sarcasm Charlie was capable of saying. 

“Whatever dude, just please don’t be whiny all day.” 

Whatever objection Charlie could have given Mac’s last statement was cut short, as Dee came out and begrudgingly tried to bring Charlie out of the bar. They both were screaming over each other as Dee managed to get a solid grip on Charlie’s arm. She ended up dragging him out as quickly as she could as he slapped at her hands. Mac just stayed in his place, not too surprised by random fights anymore. 

Frank reappeared from the back, seeming visibly pissed off. His tiny legs stomped as he lazily tried to sneak into the back office. 

“What’s going on Frank?” Mac asked and Dennis walked over to join him at the bar.

“I was just about to ask that.” Dennis added. “If they think they’re just not going to work, there better be an amazing excuse. I’ve been working tirelessly all morning.” He mentioned as though he didn’t just try to flirt with a customer. 

“How am I supposed to know what those bitches are doing?” Frank lowered his brows. 

“Don’t play dumb Frank. I may have been busy with running this bar for you lazy-asses, but I still noticed you and Dee walking out to scheme.” Dennis stared him down. “It’s not worth lying about old man. Just tell us what you two are planning with Charlie.”

“I’m not planning anything, shit-for-brains. I just needed to talk to your sister.” The two looked at each other for a second, trying to figure out what the other was going to say next. 

“Then why did she run into the bar like that?” Mac questioned as a way to break the silence. This had startled the father and son, as they had forgotten that Mac was there. “She looked more hysterical than ever.”

“She’s having a heart attack!” Frank shouted. “There, that’s my secret. Are you done now?” Both Mac and Dennis looked at Frank in amused shock as the circular man tried to pass that off as something that actually happened. 

“What kind of shitty cover-up is that? Don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if that happened, but I know when you lie Frank.” Dennis declared. “And even if she did have a heart attack, what does that have to do with her taking Charlie?” 

“She probably had a stroke and tried to hold on to whatever was close to her. And Charlie happened to be standing around.” Frank puffed his chest out with arms crossed in front, content with his answer. Dennis’ doubt didn’t seem fazed, but Mac wondered for a couple seconds. 

“I really want to tell you how wrong you are, but I have no idea how heart attacks work.” He mentioned. 

“Well I do, and that doesn’t make any sense.” Dennis retorted. “And if you really think about it, why hasn’t Charlie come back in? Don’t try and convince me that Dee got him to drive her to the hospital, because she knows better than anyone else that he can’t drive.” 

“He did talk about going to the sewers today. Probably going out to get some ghouls instead of hanging with you pussies at this shithole.” 

“Why wouldn’t he tell us that he was going to the sewer?” Mac wondered aloud. 

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Frank answered as he started running to the exit. “I’ve got some shit to do.”

“You better not go out of that door!” Dennis yelled as though he had any power over Frank. The plump man just continued as the door closed behind him. 

“God dammit man. I knew those assholes would leave us out of plans at some point.” Mac sighed. “What is so important that we can’t be in on it?”

“I don’t know, but I bet Charlie would.” Dennis began getting a practically passed-out customer another drink. “I’m sure he’ll get back around here soon enough. We’ll have to ask him when he gets back.” For such a dramatic man, Dennis seemed to be taking all this somewhat well. Then again, Mac figured it had something to do with Dennis always trying to hide his petty rage until he could let it all out on the person he was mad at. He was definitely planning some way to expose his family in the worst way possible. And all Mac could do is let Dennis work his magic. 

“I guess.” Mac uttered. He figured he’d just ‘work’ for the rest of the day, and then he could watch as Dennis will trap the gang into the bar for questions. At least, he  _ thought _ it would go like that, but the actual interrogation was extremely tame. 

It had started with Dennis questioning both Dee and Charlie about where they were. They just blabbered out the same excuses that Frank had thrown out before, and every new plot hole was filled with another odd explanation. Whether it be “ _ I just happened to be around to pick him up”  _ or “ _ her heart attack healed really quickly”,  _ their reasonings were truly stupid. But Dennis didn’t seem as angry as expected, as he practically shrugged the whole thing off. Maybe he just needed a break from all the bullshit that the gang was used to pulling. Or he was just truly bored with the whole situation. To Mac, this only meant one thing: Mac was now the leader when it came to figuring out what’s going on with everyone. 

He knew that he had to be stealth if he wanted in on this plan. Mac thought of his moves as bond-esque, as he tried his best to subtly check the place out. The bar was always empty, so there wasn’t much of a problem with anyone overhearing anything. He decided that this was his chance to ask if he could get in on the plan. He inches closer as he asks what they were  _ really _ up to. The two of them stare dumbfoundedly at Mac, but Mac has somehow convinced himself that it was because of how amazingly badass he was. 

Dee and Charlie remained in their positions as they denied ever having a plan. This came as a clear defense mechanism to Mac, because he felt as though he was certainly winning this battle of “wits”. Before he could continue to prod for an answer, an idea came to Mac’s head. 

‘ _ Why don’t you just leave now? If they know that you are onto them, they might let you into the plan. You just have to be patient and show that you know exactly what they’re on about.” _ While the average human would find this idea completely moronic, the enigma that was Mac’s mind somehow convinced him that this was the smartest option. 

So Mac decided he’d head to the bathroom, looking as cool as he possibly could. He pulled out all the stops: karate moves, “epic” faces, and self-made sound effects. In his eyes, Charlie and Dee had to include him in their plan after this. 

Mac stayed in the bathroom for around ten minutes, thinking that he should let his friends discuss his cool moves. He mostly just practiced what he’d say in the mirror, while also wondering what was being hidden from him. He brewed up a couple ideas, all along the lines of either planning murder or his friends having some sort of weird relationship. The thought of Dee and Charlie dating disgusted him, so he really hoped for the murder plot.

Around 5 minutes after he’d started thinking, Charlie had sprinted into the bathroom with his rat bat. 

“Have you seen any rats in here?” He investigated his surroundings while pointing the bat dangerously close to Mac’s face. 

“Get that shit away from m-“

“SHhhHhhH!” Charlie put a finger to his mouth as he tiptoed over to a stall. A couple seconds later, a couple loud WHACKs replaced the bathroom’s previously established silence. What followed was a sound of vivacious hoots and hollers from the short man. Mac was about to walk over until Charlie walked back with a couple dead rats in his arms. 

“Dude, you’re fucking disgusting!” Mac grunted as he turned away. Charlie just ran past him and threw the creatures into the trash. 

“I’m just doing my job, buddy.” He shrugged as he grabbed a mop and hurried over to clean up the blood. His arms worked rapidly and the every area of the floor was clean in a few seconds. Charlie then traded his mop for a towel and some bleach. 

“Do you always clean this fast?” Mac walked over to see that he was already halfway done with sanitizing the toilets. “Jesus, man! What’s your deal?”

“I’ve got shit to do Mac. I’m not going to be at the bar cleaning all night.” He stated as he stood up. “Speaking of which, I still have to clean the basement.” As stupid as Mac thought Charlie was, the weirdo still retained this strange layer of responsibility. He didn’t have much to be proud of, so he seemed to decide that the cleanliness of the bar was something he needed to keep. Mac and the rest of the gang knew that the only reason they hadn’t been closed is because Charlie’s efforts in making the place more presentable. They just could never bring themselves to admit it to the man’s face. 

Mac had been so consumed in thought that he didn’t even notice how Charlie had left the bathroom. 

‘ _ Shit.’  _ Charlie didn’t even mention anything about the plan with Dee. Mac figured he hadn’t come off as intimidatingly smug as he had tried, not realizing that the only thing he came off as was stupid. 

He practiced his faces and eventual replies in the mirror. He kept with his plan of acting like he was on to their scheme and already knew what they were about. He also just planned on doing it however long he needed, since he knew that Charlie wasn’t great at keeping secrets for too long. None of the gang was for that matter. From Mac’s perspective, Charlie had to tell him at  _ some _ point. 

***

The day after had started very uneventfully. Charlie and Dee were gone for the whole morning, so Mac didn’t have any way of getting any information. Dennis had come up with an overly-complicated plan of making money from desperate sugar mommies on the internet. 

“The whole idea is to get these women to think we’re interested in getting farther with the relationship. But we both know that isn’t the case.” Dennis explained. “I feel like older women and women in general will easily pick up on my charm. They’ll be throwing money at me for absolutely nothing. I mean, how can they be picky when I look like this?” He motioned to his face with a pompous smirk. With Mac’s plan being to act as egotistical as ever, he knew he could learn some things from watching how Dennis did anything. 

“I’m sure we can do fine with getting these people to pay us, but I really don’t think anyone will want to pay for pictures of Dee.” Mac cringed. “Why did you send this idea to everyone anyway?”

“Believe me, I didn’t intend it as an encouragement for her to join the plan. I just wanted to share how genius my idea was.” The tips of his mouths quickly turned down as he thought of his sister. “And she thought that meant I was telling her to try that, which is a terrible idea because she can’t even get drunk guys at a bar to compliment her. The old rich men are only looking for two things, and that’s physical attractiveness and a great personality. She doesn’t have any of that, so she’s just setting herself up for failure.” Dennis has this terrible tendency to talk as bluntly about anyone and everyone who he’s ever met. It may have been a defense mechanism in the way that, if anyone wanted to insult him, they’d know that an even worse insult was coming their way. 

This bluntness became more apparent when he talked to his sister. Even someone as dull as Mac could see how much he loathed his sister. Dennis couldn’t help himself when it came to making her life ten times worse. He wasn’t exactly raised in a loving family, so it made sense that he wouldn’t share any sort of affection with anyone. This may bug some, when their friend is so hating. But Mac had always appreciated it because it was a fun hobby for the two of them to berate her. Sure, it wasn’t the  _ nicest _ hobby, but Dee wasn’t a nice person to begin with. 

“What’s up, Bitches! Who’s ready to scam some old men?” She finger gunned at Mac and Dennis. Her brother’s face morphed into a large scowl. Behind her gangly body, Charlie was looking around while tugging at his sleeves. 

“Dee, I don’t think any old man would be scammed by your skeleton face.” Dennis countered, causing her to roll her eyes. 

“Oh, you think so? Because I’ll show you how many dudes I can get. I won’t even need to work, that’s how much money I’ll get.” While her sentences were meant to paint a layer of confidence, her voice continued to audibally falter with every new word. 

“Don’t lie to yourself now, Deandra.” Frank said. The man’s appearance had startled Mac, as he really didn’t notice him there. Either Frank had walked out to roast his daughter, or he had been sitting there the whole day, but was too short for him to notice. “Old men might be desperate, but we’re not  _ that  _ desperate.” Dee’s eyebrows raised as she became visibly furious. She stepped back to face Charlie. 

“Of course, now my dad’s coming to help my brother throw insults at me. What an amazing family, don’t you think?” Before Charlie could answer, she turned back to her brother and father. “You two will just have to wait, because I’m going to sweep the floor with Dennis.” 

They continued with their screaming and scrutiny as Mac walked over to the bar. Charlie soon followed, as it was obvious that he was just as tired of the sibling fights. Similar to the day before, Charlie seemed extremely drained. But he held something that he didn’t before, which was an odd fire in his eyes. He decided to hop on a chair and slump his jaw into his hands. 

“Want me to get you a drink?” Mac asked. Maybe if he buttered him up a bit, Charlie would finally talk about what he’s been hiding. At least, he thought that would be a good tactic, until Charlie just frowned. 

“Oh, uh, nah. I’m good.”

These words hit Mac like a train. Charlie not drinking? What was this weird opposite world he had been transported too. If there was something he was sure of, it was that his friend wasn’t the kind of person to refuse alcohol. 

“Ok, what’s happening man? There’s gotta be something wrong.” Charlie’s face scrunched as he glanced around. 

“Nothing, I’m just… I’m all good. I’m the goodest of good.” He raised his thumbs up and flashed an awkward smile. After Mac gave him a strange look, Charlie just changed the subject. “So, he wants us to get money from old people?”

“Yeah, he’s got a pretty good idea, since these people sound really sad.” Mac mentioned, trying to follow how Charlie left the previous conversation. This ended up failing as he added a bit more of his planned pretentiousness. “Then again, it’s not as good of an idea as the plan you and Dee have. Why don’t you explain that one to me again, so I can admire how awesome it is.” As “subtle” as he thought he’d acted, Charlie still didn’t seem to want to tell him anything. 

“Why did he even text everyone about that anyway? Dee definitely won’t get that far with an old dude.” While Mac had hoped for all the juicy details of his friend’s secret plan, he was glad that Charlie seemed to have loosened up a little more. The lack of any alcohol in Charlie’s system did still confuse him, though. 

“I don’t know, but I’m going to have to try that out.” Mac’s mind quickly drifted to thoughts of dumb sugar daddies. “Do you know how gullible some of these people are? Especially old, jaded gay men.” 

Mac continued to re-explain everything to Charlie with a condescending tone, as if he wasn’t just restating what Dennis had said. He quickly lost Charlie’s attention, as the odd man had been preoccupied in his own thoughts. This only stopped when a shaking hand moved in front of his vision. 

“Are you even listening?” Mac asked. “Because I’m saying nothing but facts, man.” 

“Oh yeah, sure.” Charlie violently nodded his head. “Gay men, sad lives, lots of money. Definitely listened to that.” 

“So you’re going to join me on my awesome, mega plan?” 

“Yeah. I’m definitely going to do that.” Charlie rubbed his hand on his neck. “But would you like to resay everything about it again?” 

“Jesus, you didn’t bother talking to me about you and Dee’s weird secret shit when I asked, but want me to re-describe my masterpiece again?” He pauses for a brief second before he can’t help but talk some more. “Ok, fine. I’ll tell you about it, but only because it’s too good to not talk about.” 

“So, I realized that since dudes are probably way more desperate, why don’t you do that too?” Charlie’s brows quickly furrowed. “Don’t look at me like that man. Let’s be honest, Frank probably has like two more years anyway, you’re going to need to find another way to get money. And I don’t even think you’re being paid from the bar.” 

“Well, unlike you, I’m not gay so that’s not gonna happen.”

“You don’t have to make out with him or anything, you just have to pretend you want to.” Mac’s hand gravitates to his hip. “And didn’t you marry Frank one time? That was gay, but you did it for the money. So what’s different about this?”

“Well, for one, that wasn’t gay” 

“It is literally considered a same sex marriage. How much gayer could it possibly be?” 

“Ok, but we were just being bros.”

“Bros don’t marry, dumbass.” Instead of commenting on Mac’s last statement, he decide to move on. 

“Why can’t I just catfish some old woman?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but... I seriously don’t think those women are  _ that _ desperate.” Mac’s eyes lowered as Charlie crossed his arms. “Don’t look at me like I’m wrong, man! You look terrible.”

“Know what? You’re wrong. There’s a ton of old women who’d want to bone me.”

“Charlie, I don’t think you even know any old women. And if you do, they’re probably terrified of you.” Mac continued on. “And this has nothing to do with fucking, we’re just going online and pretending to be interested in their lives.” 

“Whatever you say man. I’m not becoming gay for some cash.” 

“I’ve told you like a thousand times already that you don’t even have to be gay dude. All you have to do is fake flirt with some rando online.”

“All I’m hearing is I’ve got to become gay, and I’d rather not.” He stands up. “Plus, I’ve got a bunch of rat crunching to get to, so I’d rather not talk about sucking dick anymore.” He bolted down to the basement. 

Mac was plagued second hand embarrassment by how mad Charlie had gotten about gay shit. He was fine whenever Mac talked about himself, but he’d never accept a joke about himself without becoming extremely defensive. It was obvious he had some issues with his sexuality, but Mac had always decided to just try and laugh at how incompetent Charlie was with dealing with it. This may seem hypocritical, as Mac hadn’t exactly been a proud gay dude all of his life. And it  _ was  _ extremely hypocritical, but if Dennis had taught him anything, it was to never own up to any mistakes. 

It became obvious that it would take a while for Charlie to finally open up about whatever he and Dee we’re hiding, so Mac just hoped it’d come soon. I mean, Charlie is his oldest and most loyal friend. He couldn’t be hiding anything too serious from him. At least, he’d try to convince himself of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so, it’s been a while. But I’ve recently come back to watching Sunny, and am hoping to finish this story, as one of my biggest pet peeves are unfinished but amazing stories. I appreciate all support I’ve seen in comments, and am so excited to see I’ve made something that makes people happy:)


	6. Self-Identification

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie rethinks his thoughts of identity after Mac asked him to be gay for a scheme.   
> {TW: Internalized Transphobia and general thoughts of self-hatred}

The lingering thoughts of identity has always been something that Charlie hadn’t tried to think about too much. Then again, he really doesn’t think anything through  _ too _ much. 

At a young age, he was bombarded with these questions. ‘ _Are you gay? Are you a dude or a lady? What would happen if I morphed into a hamster_.’ While some questions were definitely not as important than others, his brain would always mash questioning thoughts into his everyday thoughts. 

The first of these questions he faced was the one about his gender. When he was very young, he simply decided he didn’t like the girly things his mom had given him. He wanted to be like the little boys he’d seen around the neighborhood. So he asked his mom for a haircut and for her to call him Charlie. When expecting her to reject him, she just got out her scissors and started cutting. He never looked back after that. 

His younger years had been easy for blending in with the other kids. He’d become great friends with a boy named Ronald McDonald, even though his name was the best form of comedy Charlie had ever seen. Whenever Charlie’s name would be called in class, he’d just claim that Charlene was his cousin. As long as he played with the boys and pretended to use the urinal, he could pass off pretty well. It was easy to convince everyone when he was that young. 

As years went on, his feelings merged into more complex hatred and fear. As soon as middle school PE was introduced with changing rooms, he felt the pressure of being different. But luckily for him, he hadn’t fully developed and could pass off as a biological male when taking off his shirt. While his period had also begun during these times, it was easy enough to hide when his mom gave him enough tampons to last a year. He was convinced that life could never get any more stressful than the first time he changed around the other kids while his period was going on. He was definitely wrong. 

While Charlie stayed how he was, boys around him began to quickly grow in height and amount of body hair. He became the weirdo compared to the others. The only person he was able to keep around him was a boy named after a fast food mascot, and even Mac found ways to mock him. But that was just how he learned to go through his days. Mac would call Charlie girly. Charlie would call Mac gay. It was just how they communicated. 

Once high school came, he fully gave up on blending in. He was the short, dirty kid who ate dirt and huffed glue. He knew he’d never have his dream life, so he just made the best of his personal hell. 

Him and Mac had been introduced to two new kids when they began high school. They were twins and appeared to be super fancy to the pair. One was a blonde, gangly girl with a back brace and a scowl printed across her face. The other was an effeminate, well-dressed boy with curly hair and an extremely snarky voice. When they first walked by, Mac and Charlie assumed they’d become the royalty of the school. Or at least the boy would. 

This thought was quickly crumbled as the male twin began to sit with them at lunch. He claimed that someone took his spot and that he’d never actually sit with the two of it weren’t for that. As far as excuses went, this was as fake as they could get. But the boy’s presence was welcomed nonetheless and he fully introduced himself as Dennis. 

He became a fully-fledged member of Charlie and Mac’s gang. For a bit, Charlie couldn’t remember how he ever felt sad before. Sure, he’s had a friend before, but  _ two friends?  _ He felt like the most popular boy in school. He didn’t think his life could ever go bad again. 

But it did. Very quickly. He finally went through his own version of puberty, and everything he feared had become reality. He didn’t grow too tall compared to his peers, he never had any facial hair, and he started to get bigger in areas he never knew would grow for him. While he knew about male and female puberty, he somehow convinced himself that he could just avoid any evidence of his given gender. Plus, he just figured that women could control how big their boobs could get. Boy, was he an idiot. 

His confidence was never too high, but once his friends noticed how different he had been, he could never feel fully proud. Charlie was quick to find out that Dennis was an extremely judgemental person. He couldn’t help it, his whole personality was made up of deflection of his own flaws and ruining others’ self worth. So he seems to make it his mission to mention Charlie’s baby face and ‘manboobs’ as much as he could. Everytime he walked by his friends, the ridicule would always seep into their conversations. Mac wouldn’t defend him as he’d become so fond of Dennis for reasons Charlie could never understand. There was just some strange admiration Mac held for those who would never fully respect him. 

Dennis’ sister had tried her best to bud into the new gang as much as possible. Popularity didn’t come as easily as she thought it would, so mooching of her brother’s relationships was the next best thing. The siblings had an awful disdain for each other, so going over to Dennis’ house was a one-way ticket to watching a family fall apart. But his sister never gave up. 

Even though he never exactly liked her, Charlie knew she was way more tolerable than her brother. She was still judgemental and extremely mean, but she seemed to accept her unpopularity quicker than her brother. While Dennis pretended to be a high class man who is admired by everyone to ever live, the sister knew she wasn’t popular and just believed it was because of how amazing she was compared to them. 

Charlie ended up talking to her when he had to wait for Dennis to get ready. Dennis’ appearance was his prized possession, and he took as much time as possible to stay as near as possible. So Charlie had waited in the Reynold's living room for about 20 minutes before being approached. The sister, who Dennis had called his “bitch of a sister Dee”, decided to talk with him a bit. 

Their conversation was filled with complaints about Dennis and light teasing, which ended up being a good break from all the pressure that Charlie had been under. He almost forgot what he was feeling bad about until she started to mention Charlie’s appearance. While she definitely stayed nasty with her comments, Dee brought up something that wasn’t usually given with the barrage of insults: advice. 

She mentioned that he should borrow makeup from his mom to get rid of his “weird, seal face” and give himself some facial hair. She also mentioned how he could use duct tape to tape away fat and look less “misshapen”. She said she’d tried it many times to hide her ‘fat’, and would do it more if she wasn’t stuck to a back brace 24/7. While he knew that tape was probably the worst method of taking away his boobs, it was definitely the cheapest. As harmful as it was, he would do anything to keep his body in check. He owed her a lot for this talk, because it was the first step into fully becoming what he dreamed of.

After that talk, he had found his ways of becoming more like the other dudes. He’s become pretty good at applying makeup to his chin and upper lip, and he felt so much better about his chest. Dennis’ jabs became less focused on looking girly and more on how short Charlie was. This still wasn’t Charlie’s favorite, but he knew that he’d be able to handle that. After high school, they’d all gone to separate paths but ended up getting back together as the awful people they were. 

He would continue to do as much as he could to get rid of his past self. From stealing Frank’s money to afford a cheap, keyhole incision top-surgery to continually paying for hormone supplements from some weird dude in an alley, his decision hadn’t been anything to brag about. Then again, Charlie wasn’t exactly a person who had any redeeming ideas, so he really wasn’t above the idea of stealing. 

It felt so recent, but Charlie knew that it wasn’t worth reminiscing about. His identity had brought him down before and practically ruined his past experiences, so he couldn’t let that happen again. 

So as Mac told Charlie that he should scam men while pretending to be gay, Charlie couldn’t do anything other than brew anger.

His mind began to ramble with borderline dumb thoughts of deflection. He thought he couldn't be anything but straight. Mac was already the gay guy of the group, he’d just be copying. Besides, he was already a closeted transgender man, so he thought he couldn’t be both trans and some form of gay without being overkill. There was no way he’d let himself worry over identity again. 

So as he sat in his apartment, thinking of how shitty his next few months are gonna be, he knew that he couldn’t make it worse by panicking about sexuality. He has to talk with a man who hates his guts about an incident that has scarred his whole existence, and he’s worrying about who he wants to fuck. And even if he did figure out something about that, he’d have to keep it like he did his gender. No one has to know, and no one will know. He’ll just tuck those away in his head while he deals with the one secret that he wasn’t able to keep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I just wanted to remind everyone that unlike what it says in the story, you should not use bandages of any kind to bind. It is extremely unhealthy and can lead to damage in the tissue, so while I write it in because it was something a desperate, cheap teen would do, I encourage everyone to find alternatives that won’t harm. Other than that, I just wanted to thank everyone for the support of the story. While this is a pretty short chapter, I am working on some longer form chapters to keep the stories pace. I hope you like it!


	7. New year, New Charlie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because of his already awful experiences of therapy, Charlie decides to try and prove to the Lawyer how absolutely 100% cool he really is.

As surprising as it was, Charlie had managed to sleep most nights without his usual dose of hallucinogens. Sure, he hadn’t slept  _ well _ , but he still got along with about 4 hours, uninterrupted. Considering his thoughts of self-hatred and general weirdness, he was impressed he was able to even sit in that bed without spraying random chemicals into his nostrils. 

His eyes flew open around 6 am, and his brain had decided it was time to start the day. While thoughts ran through his head the speed of a train, his body lingered in its position. 

He stayed like this, immovable and dormant, until hours had flown past. Sleep wouldn’t come back easily, so he decided to continue with his ideas. He had practically mapped out his whole day, hoping his karma would subside for a bit. 

It had been a while since he’d done much of anything. After talking to the Lawyer about possible therapy a few days ago, he’d tried to keep things as normal as possible. Maybe some of that was because he needed to convince himself that he didn’t need any kind of therapy. Or maybe because he needed to forget the gay, identity shit that lingered through his mind because of Mac’s dumbass suggestions. Either way, he’d do normal Charlie work and cleaning until he’d somehow forget what he was worried about in the first place. 

He planned on continuing this until he got a text from the Lawyer. ‘ _ Hello Mr Kelly. I would like to ask if you would be able to come to my office at 12 on Thursday. We need to discuss possible times and locations for your meetings with a therapist I have contacted. Please contact me ASAP.” _

While the message was brief, Charlie’s mind had begun to spin. He may have gone along with the whole therapy idea, but the thought of it actually happening didn’t fully process through him. He was absolutely mortified. 

He could actually gain something good from therapy, but as panic consumed him, he only had one plan: Get the Lawyer to trust him enough to backpedal on his whole therapy idea and not be such a dick. 

While Charlie knew that most of the things that the Lawyer suggested were pretty reasonable, he couldn’t bring himself to agree with him. Any suggestion from anyone other than his friends was automatically thrown away from years of untrustworthy strangers. It was a habit that him and the gang had become masters at. If they all denied healthy requests, things would stay as they were. As dysfunctional as they were to each other, the thought of change freaked them all out. Until someone dies or moves to a different planet, they’ll continue their cycle of chaos. 

It made him feel odd for someone to recommend a better life for him. Most of the time, the gang would do anything to screw Charlie over. Then again, he knew that this dude didn’t have the fondest memories of their ‘friendship’, so he couldn’t count on this guy being nice out of the kindness of his heart. The only reason the Lawyer was nice to Charlie was because he had to deal with him for another quarter of a year. While it wasn’t out of genuine admiration, Charlie welcomed the severe sarcasm over the usual blatant hatred. 

While it was obvious to anyone with a working brain that actively bugging the Lawyer would just make him loath his time with Charlie more, Charlie’s obliviousness made him feel like he should use all of his energy to try and make this man become his acquaintance. After all, being nice to the Lawyer after years of torment was really the least he could do. 

Once time had passed and the clock had turned to 11 am, he finally rose from his position on the couch. He gets to his feet and decides to make some food. His back ached from his odd, pretzel-like bed position, cracking as he waved his arms in a stretch. Breakfast would be a very loose term for the meal he ended up making, as he just gathered all food items in the apartment and slapped them on some bread. His taste in food always stayed like that. If he could eat it, he has or is planning to. As he seems to be impervious to damage from chemicals, he will continue to mix anything in his vicinity until it either makes a good combo or kills him. 

While he wanted to dress to impress, he really didn’t have many options. He could always wear his normal legal attire of a tie over a button up with his weird, librarian glasses, but he felt like going a bit more casual would work best. Charlie’s only other “nice” shirt was a blue, button up shirt with a weird collar. The only other important occasion he’d worn it during was when he accidentally convinced a woman he was a rapist during a first date, so it would be nice to give it a different memory. 

After slapping the shirt on and attempting to style his hair, he heard his door open. 

“Let’s get this over with, Charlie. I don’t want to see that douche any more than I have to.” Dee squawked as she paced over. Her pupils shift to this head as her hand is placed onto her hip. “What’s with the hair?” 

“It’s nice, isn’t it? All smooth and professional.” He cocked his head, confidently waving his hands around his hair. 

“No, not even close.” She squints as she moves closer to his locks. “It somehow looks shittier than normal. What did you even do?” She stares around his head, fixating on the weird details he tried to make. It was slightly slicked back in the front, but oddly popped up in certain areas. Strings of hair stuck up around his ears while other areas were somehow curly. It was atrocious. 

“Go ahead and pretend, but I’m sure I look great.” He continues to randomly move locks around, which alerts Dee to the fact that he isn’t even using a mirror. He’s just placing random parts of his hair all around his head. “And I know that I’m gonna impress that lawyer.” 

“Why does that matter? He already hates us way too much.” She shrugs. “And we hate his guts too, so I don’t know what your deal is. Just be glad he took your case in the first place, because he’ll always be obsessed with despising us.” He shook his head. 

“Well yeah, he hates us  _ now.  _ But once he sees how professional and cool I am, he’ll have to like us. Or at least me.” Charlie motions his hands around as he explains his plan. “And I’m not convincing him for no reason. He thought I needed therapy, but you and me both know how that went. That therapist lady didn’t tell me any problems I didn’t already know about, so how is that supposed to help? I’m perfectly fine as it is, it’s just living life.” He paused with his eyes closed, posing as the perfectly average guy he desperately wanted to be. Dee was visibly unfazed as she was quick to respond. 

“As much as I hate that prick, he’s got a point. You’re a 40 something year old man obsessed with cats and bird facts who only lives by inhaling paint. I’m surprised you haven’t been wheeled to a nut-house already.” As Charlie’s eyes widen into an accusatory stare, Dee continues. “And that look definitely isn’t going to help you look less mentally ill. I mean, you look like you’ve got a bird's nest in your head.”

“Of course you noticed something that looks like a bird nest, you bird!” 

“God, is that the only insult you guys have? I’m not a goddamn bird!” She hissed. “And you get my point. Everytime that man has seen us, we accidentally find more ways to ruin his life. And that’s his fault. If he’s gonna be such an uptight dick, we shouldn’t have to be nice to him anyway.”

Before Charlie could bust out another excuse or weird reasoning, she continued with her ridiculed rambling. 

“So what’s the point of trying to impress him when he’ll never change his mind? Especially when he’s recommending something you should actually consider doing. Are you trying to get in his pants or something?” His face flushed as motioned a finger at her. 

“C’mon Dee, you’ve got to take this seriously.” Charlie shouted. “Plus, I’m not Mac, so we can cross out the possibility of any gay shit going down.”

“If there’s seriously no gay shit, then I don’t entirely understand why you’re trying to do here.” 

“You’ll see Dee. I’m going to make that dude think I’m the most awesomest, smartest guy he’s ever seen… But not like in a gay way.” Charlie folds his arm together as he resumes getting ready. Before he’s able to reach for his shoes, Dee takes out a comb and grabs at Charlie’s hair. “Hey, what the hel-“

“Welp, if you’re gonna try and impress this guy, we better change that hair around.” She ruffles it around as Charlie huffs about. She styles it to a more casual, fully slicked-back look. It wasn’t a lot, but it was definitely better than before. Dee swipes her phone out and shows Charlie the front-facing camera. His eyes slightly widen. “See, now you look like a sane human. That’s got to be something he’s never seen from you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, man. You’re definitely crazier than me in his book.” 

“Oh really, I’m the crazy one? I’m not the dumbass who pretended to be a better attorney than a man who went to law school.” 

“Let’s be fair here. I did win that case for Bill Ponderosa, so I think we're pretty much on the same level.” 

“You didn’t win shit. All you did was scare the judge into ignoring the case all together.” He slightly raises his arms and smirks a bit. 

“One man’s undecided case is another man’s win.” Charlie declared as Dee stomps around his apartment. 

“Know what? Fine. Never heard that before, but you’ve got to get to his office, so I don’t really care.” She throws the comb over his head and scurries out, pretending she’s above the petty arguing. 

***

To say the Lawyer was dreading his day was an understatement. While the idea of giving Charlie an area to vent was the only option he considered, he just knew that the weird, rat man would end up fighting with him about it. He’s sure that Charlie also knew that therapy was his best option, but the thick mush that he called a brain would never let him accept any type of legitimate help without throwing a hissy-fit. 

He felt the odd toughness in the air before Charlie had even gotten there. If he was honest with himself, he’d be able to admit that these past visits definitely weren’t as bad as he figured they’d be. Charlie had managed to keep his stubbornness, but without the gang with him, the lawyer had just found him extremely harmless. It helped that he really hadn’t been given many clients recently, so actually doing work got him out of whatever issue was brewing in his mind. Then again, he wouldn’t let himself get distracted by Charlie’s rambling. Last time he did, he managed to almost lose an eye. 

To be fair, whenever Charlie wasn’t trying to debate with him, the Lawyer found him very charming. His confidence in his nonexistent smarts and happy demeanor made him fun to talk to, if only to laugh at him for a bit. The Lawyer could only hope that their interactions with each other would be more like the times that Charlie wasn’t in the arguing mood. Then again, Charlie always seems to be in the arguing mood, whether he liked it or not. He couldn’t let his few good memories cloud every horrible decision Charlie has made. 

“How’s it going Mr man? Doing all that super professional lawyer stuff?”

Speaking of the devil, the Lawyer’s attention was drawn to the feral man walking through his doors. There was a bit of a noticeable difference in how he appeared and seemed to act. Sure, there were many things that hadn’t changed(and are likely to never change). His beard was messy, his smile was dopey, and he still didn’t remember the Lawyer’s name. But by how his hair was slicked back and change of clothes, it was obvious that he actually tried. He even changed his stance, as his back was straight and head was up. Confidence radiated off of the majority of his appearance, and he seemed to have something to say. 

“Yes, I guess you could say I’m doing that.” The Lawyer states. He found himself weirdly distracted by Charlie’s new hair, as he debated whether it suited him more than his usual hurricane-hair. After deciding that he preferred Charlie’s normal, rugged appearance, he quickly discerned how off topic he’d gotten. Considering the amount of bizarre occurrences he’d been through that month, he passed it off as a general exhaustion. The faster he could end this broad conversation of scheduling, the better off he’d be. 

“Well, Mr. Kelly, I don’t want to waste much time on this meeting. I just need to schedule a time where you could meet with the therapist I lined up for you.” 

Before he could continue with rambling about times, Charlie starts to lean on his desk and begins his own conversation. 

“Now, let’s hold on second, because there’s a couple things we gotta make clear.” Charlie flashes an odd grin and tries to sell a completely new personality. “First off, feel free to call me Charlie, because all this professional ‘Mr’ talk is really dragging my mood. All this court talk is a major bummer, so let’s just ignore that garbage for right now.”

“How did you expect me to ignore court talk when you are about to take someone to court?” While the Lawyer stayed disappointed but not surprised at the peculiar man’s rambling, Charlie began to motion his hand up and down. 

“That’s not the point. The point is that my name is Charlie. Sure, we might both be smart, business guys who’ve gotta use dumb shit like ‘Mr’ all the time, but come on. We’re  _ friends _ . So that really shouldn’t apply to us.” Before the Lawyer could object to that last sentence, Charlie kept babbling. “And second, I think we should reconsider this whole therapy idea.” As Charlie’s brows upturned in a hopeful glance, the Lawyer’s did otherwise. He figured Charlie would wake up and choose chaos. 

“And why, oh why, would I ever reconsider that idea?”

“Well, because I’m a responsible guy.” Charlie slaps his hand onto his hip and ignores the obvious annoyance on the other man’s face. “Why don’t you just let me defend myself on the fly during the case? I definitely don’t need a therapist when I can just end that case with my skills. You just introduce me to the whole audience in the courtroom and I’ll do the rest.” He leaned farther into the desk, getting weirdly close with his oddly confident expression. This confidence was utterly wasted though, as the words coming out of his mouth ruined the whole buoyant vibe. 

“I can’t even tell if you’re being serious anymore. It’s like you’re trying to make this harder than it already is.” The Lawyer moves his hand to his head and harshly closes his eyes. As he shakes his head, Charlie stiffens his posture. His eyes shift around and his normal sense of sporadicness starts to seep back into his movements. 

“Well no, that’s not it. I just figured that since it’s my fault for starting this whole court bullshit, I better get myself out of it. Or at least help out a bit, ‘cause both of us wanna win.” Despite himself realizing how ludicrous this idea was, his hardheadedness kept him from admitting any type of defeat. 

The Lawyer knew he shouldn’t feel too much sympathy right now. In fact, he shouldn’t feel any. Charlie’s coming into his office acting like he owns the place, and acting like he could easily do the Lawyer’s job for him. But, somehow, his continuous optimism made him a person he couldn’t help but tolerate way more than he should. The amount of times he wanted to strangle him was only matched by the amount of times he wanted to give him an awkward, friendly wave. 

“I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s exactly your fault we’re in this situation. But whatever, you really don’t have to do anything to ‘help’. You came to me because I’m the one who will get your uncle in jail. So please just talk to the therapist and leave the rest to me. That’s the only way we’ll get anything done around here.” While he tried to deliver this in a monotone seriousness, the Lawyer’s sympathy somehow found its way into a few words. The two stared at each other for a few seconds, leading Charlie to break the silence. 

“I really don’t get your reasons man, but I guess I’ll try it out. It’s definitely not worth it, but we’ve probably got some time to waste.” 

“If it gets me closer to getting this case over with, than it definitely isn’t a waste.” As the conversation had stayed pretty casual, the Lawyer found it a good time to quickly check up on Charlie’s addiction problems. “Have you been sober since we last met?”

“Yeah, of course.” Charlie said insultedly, as though he didn’t come to their last meeting with a hangover. “I’m not as dumb as you think man, I listened to your whole speech. And I really don’t get why I have to, but I have been, so you gotta give me props for that. It’s like someone’s stabbing me over and over again. It fucking sucks.”

“I’ll give you credit where it’s due. I’m glad you’ve been able to stay sober for a bit. But you and I both know how long this case is going to take, so it’s going to get harder and harder to resist. So I just want to make sure it’s kept under control.” 

“You don’t gotta worry. Everything will be peachy.” Charlie mentions as he motions his finger into an ok sign. 

“I somehow doubt that.” The Lawyer paused for a bit. “But if you feel like it’s getting out of hand, there’s a lot of help lines you can call. Or, as I’ve mentioned, you could always call me, but I can’t say I’ll be the happiest to talk to.”

“I really don’t think I’ll need to, but I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“Just know that’s on the table.” He quietly drums his fingers on his desk, looking for a way to segway into their scheduling talk. “Anyhow, we should get to talking about the times the therapist scheduled you for.” Charlie nods, and he then realizes that he’s been practically sitting on the Lawyer’s desk the whole meeting. 

“Yeah, I guess.” He relinquished his position on the desk and sat back into his chair. 

They had a pithy conversation about the times the therapist had given for Charlie to possibly come in for. Other than minor complaints from Charlie, he stayed reasonably quiet and listened. 

Once they finished their talk of therapy appointments, Charlie stood up to leave. But before he could leave, the Lawyer continued to talk. 

“But before I let you go, I forgot to ask you about something.” Charlie turns back around and leans on the chair to listen, as the Lawyer continued. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. How many people may want to ruin your life in any type of way? Because it’s already going to be an uphill battle having to defend a felon with addiction problems, I don’t need to worry about one of your weird friends betraying you and lying to a jury.” Charlie puts his hand on the back of his neck as he looked away. 

“I mean, there’s definitely some people out there who don’t like me, but I don’t know if they  _ really _ hate me that much.” 

“Just making sure, because there always seems to be revenge plots with you people. Why don’t you just list out some people and why they might not have the best opinion of you.” Charlie shrugs and lays back on the chair, as his legs rested on the chair’s arms. 

“Welp, I gotta start with the obvious then. So, there’s the waitress, and she’s been the love of my life for like twenty years. We’ve always had this off-and-on thing for a while. I would follow her around her job all day. She’d pretend she’s not interested and get a restraining order. You know how it goes. But like, she actually wanted to get with me a while back, which sounded amazing. So we got down and dirty, and it was hot and all that stuff. But after that, it just felt different cause she kept nagging me around and it just wasn’t the same. So I kinda just left her after a bit. I mean, I tried to be cool and maybe raise a kid with her, but I feel like I’d blow my brains out before the baby even came out. Plus, I know how many dudes she’s seen before, so I don’t even think I’m the one who got her pregnant. I think that means it’s technically not my problem.” Charlie visibly cringed at his own words, but before he could continue his rambling, the Lawyer interjected. 

“And what would her name be?” Charlie sits there for an awkwardly long pause. 

“That also might be a problem, because, you see, I have no idea.” He gives a sheepish grin as the Lawyer’s brow lowers. 

“Didn’t you say she was the love of your life?”

“Hey man, she  _ used _ to be the love of my life. Big difference. And I know her address and all the important info, so I really don’t need all that personal stuff.” Charlie asserts as he crosses his arms and 

“You still should know her first name!” After his voice raises a touch too high, the Lawyer readjusts and decides to forget about how idiotic that was. “Whatever. We can get all that info later. I think I know the answer, but are there any other people who openly despise you?”

“Oh definitely. Speaking of the waitress, I was a dick to a few girls because of her. But like, she was tempting me, dude. I couldn’t not be a dick. One of them already got me beaten up, so she probably already got her revenge. But the other girl was super pissed, especially ‘cause I embarrassed her at a party. She’s also super rich, so she may wanna be some sorta blackmailer.” Before the Lawyer could process any of what Charlie said, the small man continued his quick listing. “And you already met the McPoyles. They’ve gotten revenge on me a bunch of times, but they could still be mad about how I reported them to the police. But they shouldn’t have pretended to be molested, so that’s their problem. They could also be mad about how I won that case against you. Then again, bird law always wins, so they really shouldn’t have been surprised. Especially when they brought a bird in. I don’t know, I guess they just don’t like me. And-“

“Jesus Christ. I get that you guys are insufferable, but I figured you tried to be decent to at least some people.” The Lawyer’s hand returns to its place on his head as his eyes narrowed in on Charlie. “How many more people are there?”

“You asked for the names dude, and I can’t go back into the past and stop myself from doing bad shit.” The Lawyer’s visible annoyance didn’t escape his face, so Charlie just kept on going. “But I’ll make the rest quick. Speaking of that trial, the judge guy definitely hates me now. He just didn’t get my bird talk and ended up throwing something during our next case, but that’s on him. I’ve also committed a  _ couple  _ crimes, so the police definitely won’t help me out. One time, I bit a mall Santa in the neck, so he might want in on the revenge. But he shouldn’t have slept with my mom. Me and the gang also poisoned a few people, but that was a long time ago so anything could happen. I also burned a building down. But I don’t think those little things will really do anything. The only people who could ruin this are the gang, but I’m sure they wouldn’t.” 

As Charlie sits there, content with his answers, the Lawyer stares at him, completely dumbfounded. After gawking for a couple seconds, he takes in a deep breath. 

“I’m pretty sure your friends would definitely be up to ruining things for you, but fine. Forgetting that, though, I have a very important question.”

“Lay ‘it on me.”

“How has no one managed to kill you? Because by how you’re speaking, you seem to have ruined everyone in Philadelphia’s lives.”

“C’mon man, I can’t possibly explain that. I’m just living life and happen to commit a few crimes along the way. No big deal. They probably don’t even hate me.” He nonchalantly waved his hand back and forth. 

“Well, since you seem to be so confident in yourself, I feel this next request will be easy for you.” Charlie stops his waving and slightly leans forward. “I need you to talk with these people. I figured we could just ignore them. Maybe send out a few letters. But after hearing the absolute hell you’ve put them through, it’s only natural to assume you’ll put the same effort into explaining yourself to each and every one of them. After all, it’s ‘no big deal’.” The Lawyer returns Charlie’s same nonchalantness back to him, even using air quotes. 

“Oh yeah. So easy man.” Charlie nods and sits up. “I’ll definitely do that, no need to worry.” It was obvious Charlie wasn’t actually going to attempt to talk to any of these people. While he tried his best to give a fake reassurance, the Lawyer noted his sporadic eye movements and overall awful acting. 

“I’ll also be going with you, just to make sure you do it fully.” 

“God damn it!” Charlie jumps up from his chair and returns to leaning on the Lawyer’s desk. While he intended this to surprise the Lawyer, it only made the tired man roll his eyes. “First you make me talk about all my little secrets and shit, and now you want me to chat up some psychos who want to murder me. You really think I’m the one trying to make things harder? We won’t even have a case if we visit those people. And I really don’t want to look at the McPoyles again. But of course, you’re gonna make me visit their disgusting orgy house to have a little get together. You're ridiculous, man!” Charlie may have been attempting to show a side of confidence and assertiveness, but the only thing this proved was how much he hated change of any kind. It wasn’t new, as Charlie had always held a layer of blind rage within himself. 

The man’s sensitivity to such a simple request just proved to the Lawyer that there was absolutely no way Charlie could get out of therapy. He wasn’t exactly surprised by Charlie’s opposition. Knowing the rat man, most of the people he knew were probably just as psychotic as he was. So maybe Charlie did have a reason to be scared. But that didn’t change the Lawyer’s thoughts on the idea, as he’d rather them not bring their crazy to the courtroom. If he could get all the silly revenge plots out of Charlie’s life, then the only insane thing he’d have to deal with is Charlie himself. 

As Charlie remains in his standing position, staring impatiently, the Lawyer decides to join in on the standoff. He slowly backs his chair up and rises from his desk. This reveals an obvious advantage the Lawyer has: his height. He really didn’t view it as anything more than genetics, but his height did make for a good tool of getting attention. Especially when his opponent was such a small man. He practically looked down at Charlie, who kept his arms crossed but had a slight expression change. 

“I don’t know what kind of impression you’re under, but let me just remind you of a few things.” The Lawyer claimed as his eyes lowered. “I have absolutely no reason to actually help you right now. Maybe you figured I forgot about the way you and your friends have inadvertently worsened my life. You couldn’t just stop at threatening me and almost partially blinding me with a bird, no, you’ve decided that making me do more work for you and screaming at me is a better option. The fact that I have continued to talk with you this far is astonishing, and I highly doubt any other attorney would be more willing to help you out. You have an arrest record and smell like cheese. So instead of bawling about every little request, why don’t you try not to make this experience a living hell.”

The Lawyer surprised himself by how calm he managed to be. If anything, he should have been furious, and the feelings were definitely there. He may have spoken with his usual bluntness, but he didn’t have to raise his voice to really get all of his ideas out. He already used sarcasm and a dry sense of humor to let his feelings out, so standing over Charlie and complaining about a good amount of his life came easy. 

Charlie didn’t seem to physically react much to any of the Lawyer’s whole spiel, as his arms stayed crossed and continued to stand still. But his face had visibly changed into an odd expression. He was deep in thought, which the Lawyer thought was ironic, as Charlie had never been a man to really think things through. His head then raised slightly as he began to speak. 

“I mean, I really wasn’t trying to get that bird to your eye, it just kinda ended up happening.” This was the absolute last thing the Lawyer had imagined Charlie saying. He expected the man to throw another tantrum, maybe dramatically walk out and call him an asshole. While it was probably the least insulting thing he could’ve said, the Lawyer’s irrational anger krept back up. 

“Is that seriously the only thing you got from that entire conversation?” The Lawyer interrogated. While Charlie fidgeted a bit, he continued with his train of thought. 

“No, I just wanted to mention that before I forgot.” He shrugged with a crooked smile. As annoying as Charlie always managed to be, his charm had once again made him impossible to fully hate. The Lawyer looked away from his face, going back to his original point. 

“So do I make myself clear, that you are either going to apologize to those people or find yourself a new lawyer?” 

“Yeah, man, I got you. But I’ve got a question.” While Charlie always seemed to have something to ask, the Lawyer’s tolerance had grown so low that he prayed Charlie wouldn’t ask anything moronic. After the talk they’d just had, he wouldn’t hesitate to just explode. “When do you wanna do that whole apology thing? Cause I’m gonna need to prepare myself to physically see the McPoyles again.” Charlie’s sudden calmness hadn’t given the Lawyer any reassurance, but the tall man just decided to act like this was normal. Another session of yelling was the last thing he wanted. 

“I don’t have anything going on throughout this week, so I’d be able to go with you pretty much any day.” The Lawyer came to regret this quickly, as he doesn’t know how much of this he could take. Then again, if it were his way, he'd plan everything as far away as possible. 

“Tomorrow it is, buddy!” Charlie proclaimed, as he slaps a hand on the Lawyer’s arm. It didn’t linger long though, as he was quick to start darting towards the door. “Welp, I better head out. Dee’s probably gonna peck my eyes out if I stay in here any longer. So, I’ll see you here tomorrow!” Before the Lawyer could question Charlie’s sudden exit, the rat man walked out the door with a wave. 

As odd as Charlie’s departure was, the Lawyer had decided to just let it to. There was too much for him to think about already, so dawdling on something so minimal was just useless. Maybe his head had grown full of too many worries as it is, especially considering this case.

The only thing this meeting had done was give him more persisting thoughts. Several subjects started going in and out of his brain. He continually wondered what kind of things just have gone through Charlie’s head. The man went from screaming about being scammed to excitedly walking out of the door. While this was expected from such an unorthodox man, his random outbursts of joy and anger was still caught by surprise. And the fact that the Lawyer would have to keep dealing with awkward talks of trauma and more yelling just exhausted him. 

The Lawyer wouldn’t even dare put much thought into how Charlie patted his arm, and he agreed to ignore the way he had felt when noticing how Charlie had dressed up to see him. All he could do was ignore, because he couldn’t face the fact that he didn’t hate it. To be honest, he hadn’t received much physical contact from anyone recently. It made sense, as both his ex-wife and soon-to-be ex-wife didn’t have the best opinions of him. So even a slight pat or the appearance of a new shirt had made his mouth curl into a subtle smile. Or maybe it was because it was after a bout of anger. Either way, Charlie had stood there, seemingly not fazed by any of their previous conversation. It really wasn’t worth devoting time to though, as he’d just blame it on being overwhelmed. 

Instead of letting unwelcome thoughts seep back into his mind, the Lawyer had decided to pause his thoughts. He packed up his things and decided to leave his office early. The research he needed to do could always be done at his house, so he’d spend the rest of his day trying to ignore his brain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, this took a bit for me upload, so apologies for anyone waiting. Because of both real life circumstances and general procrastination, I definitely took way too long to start working on this story again. But, I’m going to try to go as far as I can, because it makes me very happy to see such a positive response to something I’ve made. Thank you for waiting, I promise to be quicker in the future:D


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